The Three Evil Pigs
Now amongst the otherwise good people of that fair place, were a handful of nasty and mean people, who liked to do even nastier and meaner things to people more than the creatures they would hunt for sport, oh yes...they were mean and nasty and horrible and all kinds of things!
The meanest of the lot were far an away the Knights of Cthog. Cthog you see was a hideous dark God, who thrived on chaos and strife, and loved to torment people, even his own worshippers when it suited him, and believe me, it suited him all the time. Cthog had one weakness you see, he was overly arrogant, thinking himself to be the greatest God of the land... well actually he had two weakness's, he loved a nice mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich even more than tormenting the poor souls of the realm.
He would often grow angry when he thought about the lack of respect that the other Gods never accorded him, generally they would simply pat him on his scaly head and snicker softly and say things like "Oh suuuuure Cthog, we respect you, I mean you're just the greatest" and walk away giggling.
Well the evil God had had enough of this nonsense and would "bloody well show them a thing or two", so he began devising a plan to strike back at the other God's through their worshippers, in specifically, those who served the almighty Elok, Cthog really hated those goody two shoes Elokian's.
"No please...no hurt me anymore...I serve you's as master...just no kill Hunzah" the dark troll shaman groveled to the iron clad figures around him. The figure's were clad all in black from head to toe, and snickered meanly as they poked and prodded the poor shaman. These figures were the evil Knight's of Cthog, the first being Tykus, senior knight and head of their unholy order. The second and third were Tkaudi and Varsus, recent to the order and trying hard to make brownie points with the boss by being as cruel as they could to anything that moved.
"Bah...kill it and be done with it" growled Tkaudi "I hate these stupid trolls, it's more fun tortuing those oafish jotuns, let's be done with him and pay a visit to Redhorn." Varsus's face was suffused with a rictus grin "Lord Tykus...allow me to dispatch the beast, you and Tkaudi go to Redhorn, I'll catch up...there's a new torture I read about in Cthog Monthly, I'd like to give it a whirl on this wretched beast."
Tykus smiled coldly "No, I feel somewhat generous today. We shall allow this beast to carry our gold and silver to our lair, and afterward he shall be added to our slave pool, and help with the building of our lair." The other knight's cackled with glee and after putting their captive in bondage, and loading him with their booty, left for the site of their newest lair.
As Nevros finished his meditation a disturbed look came across his usually serene face. "Oh dear" he muttered "I must act quickly", summoning an acolyte of the temple he sent out an order that the clergy and monks of the temple make haste to hear what the mighty Elok had passed on to him.
Several hours later a small throng of priests an monks stood assembled before him, "My friends, I have distressing news" he said "his greatness has passed on to me a vision most disturbing. It would seem the dark god is once again on the move and has ordered his unholy followers to establish a lair. A place from which they can grow and perform their grisly rites and dark magic."
The old priest looked tired and unsettled as he continued on "I cannot order any of you to find and destroy this lair, merely ask that you do as a testament to the Holy One."
"If I may speak good Nevros?" came a voice. Stepping from the shadows near the back of a room an old an wisened looking elf padded silently forward, known to all there, but not often seen, he was Feegure, a senior monk of the monestary. "I have spoke with the Abbot, and he sends his regards and support in this thing you ask, you may count the monks of the island in."
Nevros nodded sagely, "Ahh thank you Feegure, and should you see your master before I, send him my thanks." The old man looked around as if searching for a face and found it "Ah Zoss, faithful pupil, what say you on this matter, as Speedy and Xyzir are wandering the lands, you are senior preist now, what will you do?"
Zoss looked around at his fellows, than his master "Master, I am curious, do ye think there will be great danger in this thing?" Nevros merely bowed his head in a silent gesture of the affirmitive. "Ah well than perhaps we should send Dagger or Hidar in this matter, they are very close in rank to me, perhaps this would be a good test?"
Nevros smiled "I am glad to see you have such faith in your brothers, but I would...prefer, you do this thing for me." Zoss laughed nervously "Are you quite certain? Ummm.. I think I have a case of the sniffles coming on, and you know how bad it is for us lizards to catch any kind of cold. Oh I have to pick up my robes from the cleaners as well...oh darn almost forgot the benediction I have to do for some of our knight's later. Gee sorry boss, guess I'm booked up."
Nevros smiled "Oh dear, I almost forgot to mention that I had a vision from Grud...something about prices at the temple going up considerably for certain priests who have a slight resemblance to fowl."
"Well, since ye put it that way, I'd be glad to help, your emminence" the lizardman muttered.
The knight's smiled in satisfaction as the last straw went into place (which the knight's considered magical as they used it break camel's back's). Now being of the orchish persuasion, and none too bright they couldn't forsee any problems with a straw lair and thought it secure as only orcs could.
"Hahaha, I'd like to see those stupid Elokians try to get in here" laughed Tkaudi. The other knight's smiled in agreement. Just than a cry came from outside "Evil knight's, evil knight's, in Elok's name let me in!" The knight's flew to the window and looked down to see an old elf monk standing at ease, who looked up and flashed them a wicked grin. "Oh no!" they wailed as one "Feegure is here what shall we do?" "Wait" Varsus growled "we are in our lair, what can one stupid elf do?", he stuck his head out the window once more and shouted at the monk, "Let you in? Not by the hairs on our chinny chin chin's!"
Feegure looked up "No? Okay...doesn't hurt to try though." the monk waved to him. As Varsus was stepping back from the window he saw the monk pull out his pipe and light it, but thought nothing more of it as the knights gave a howl of victory for Cthog. "Ha! We have suceeded in keeping that elf from us, Cthog is great indeed." Just than, Tykus looked around and sniffed the air, "Is it me or do you smell smoke as well?"
The knight's rode along the road with the few slaves who had not escaped and what possessions they could save. "I don't understand..." Tkaudi sobbed "it seemed such a good idea at the time." "Awww shaddup!" the senior knight said and clipped Tkaudi a good one across his snout. "Look... there through the woods, a large wooden cabin. It seems Cthog smiles upon us this day, that looks much sturdier than our last lair."
They quickly reccon -oitered the area, and after proclaiming it safe, ventured inside. Much to their surprise the place was fully furnished, and quite well at that. "Indeed Cthog is kind to his faitful this day" pronounced Varsus "it doesn't get much better than this lads! Welcome to our new home." As they were lifting their flagons in a toast to the dark one a rather large shadow filled the doorway. Tkaudi looked up and choked on his grog "A-a-a-a-ap-ap-a-a- Apshai!" he stuttered. The demi god loomed over them and was looking none to pleased "What is the meaning of this intrusion into my den?!" he boomed. "You think I wish to have a bunch of smelly stupid orcs living in my retreat? Sorry me bucko's but the chicks don't dig that, so it's time to go...now."
Apshai, demi god of romance and battle lust (which go together quite well if you think about it) smiled cruelly at the knight's, "Here allow me to show you the way out."
Zoss meandered along the great western road swiging at his hide of wine now and than, grumbling to himself "What's all the hubbub about anyway? I mean it would be different if the Cthogite's were actually smart enough to pose a threat, but lets be realistic...tough and cruel they may be, but they really are about as smart as a bunch of rocks."
Just than a sultry voice spoke almost into his ear "Hello Padre.", Zoss whirled around coming face to face with the exotic trickster, Medena Rue. "Bloody tricksters" he muttered "One day ye'll make me poor old heart stop from fright." "Come now, it's not that bad is it?" she teased. "Tell me, what are you doing so far from town? It seems too fine a day for a priest to be out on these dangerous roads."
Zoss sighed "Well, truth be told, Nevros...suggested...that I scour the realm in order to find and put a stop to a new lair the servants of Cthog are trying to build. Lucky me."
The lady smiled at him, "Well it would seem I may be of some assistance." She than proceeded to relate her story of how she had a lunch date with Lord Apshai, and upon her arrival had found him tidying up the cabin. He had explained to her that he had come home to find three evil knight's lounging about an making a general mess, and had to explain in rather graphic terms to them, why it's not a good idea to invade a demi-god's sanctum. She went on to speak in detail of what the demi-god had done to ensure they not forget this all important lesson, and after he had done so to his satisfaction, promptly sent them on their way.
"So, the last I've heard is that they were seen heading along the great western road to the where the bluff's and the ocean meet." she said. "Anyway, I must run, I'm meeting some of the girls at the Swan, Biff could use some tormenting, I understand and who's better qualified for such things than I?"
She stepped off the road and into a shadow of a tree and dissapeared. The priest gave a little shrug and continued along the road, now resigned to his fate.
The knight's lurched along the road relative silence, punctuated with a slight groan here and there. "I don't think I'll be able to sit down for a week" groaned Tkaudi.
"If I sit down, I may never get up again" Varsus mumbled numbly "I didn't realize there were so many spots on my body that could hurt like this." Tykus snarled at them "Enough whining fools! I shall now find us a lair, suitable for the servants of Cthog."
They left the road and followed the shorline for a time, they passed dangerously close to the monestary, and only paused for a minute when a glint of reflected light from high atop the cliffs surrounding the holy place had caught their eye's. "I wonder what that could be?" Tkaudi asked. "It's been there as long as I can recall." Tykus said. "I wonder why no one in this accursed land has ever built a ladder yet?" Varsus growled.
So on they went, following the shorline till the sand expired and turned to stone. The bluff's grew steeply, but they managed to keep their footing and eventually came to a rather large crack in the bluffs.
Carefully they entered, weapons at the ready, and were quite surprised to find no foul beast awaiting them. The cavern was huge, an even more surprising was the garagntuan stone fortress that lay in the middle of it. "Eureaka!" screamed Tykus "I told you! I said I would find us a lair and I did!" his eye's were suffused with an unholy glee, bordering on madness. The junior knight's exchanged sidelong glances at each other while furtively moving their stubby digits in a circular motion by their temple's, the universal sign of indicating a that a persons mental state is not quite all that it should be.
Before the celebration could begin in earnest, the sound of someone whistling a tune outside the cavern silenced them and they made a mad dash for the fortress (which incidentally, had been hastily name Fort Tykus, though no one but Tykus seemed to know this yet). They scurried in and raised the drawbridge as quickly as they could, breathing a sigh relief as it closed with a loud thud. They moved quickly to the parapet's above to see their visitor who had come calling.
Zoss had been tracking them for sometime, after all it's easy to follow bootprints from guys wearing a ton of armour. He followed the trail, and passed by the monestary, only to run into Feegure who was chatting with with his fellow monks, Taka and Anu. "Hello Zoss" Taka said as he bowed to the priest. Anu ran up and gave the lizardman a hug and kiss on the cheek, "Have a cookie!" she exclaimed, stuffing one into his mouth before he could protest.
Zoss chewed away in quiet bliss wondering why of all available drinks in the realm, no one made milk to go with Anu's cookies. He let out a slight belch in honour of Anu's cookies, and she beamed him a smile in response.
"So what are you good people up to?" Zoss queried. "Oh just pondering on some of the realms deeper mysteries" Taka replied quietly. "I'm wondering why no one's invented a ladder yet" Feegure grumbled as Zoss followed his eye's to the glint in the cliffs above. Anu pouted "I'm trying to figure why no one makes milk to go with my delicious cookies." she said. "Ahh, I see..well than...I must be off, find the evil knights and all that, I'll probably perish, never see you again. It's been nice knowing you." Zoss sniffed. "Sorry?" Feegure said "did you say something?"
The monks gave him a smile and he started off following the tracks one more.
Zoss picked his way among the stones as he followed the most likely path the knights must have took to come along the treacherous bluffs. He began to whistle a bawdy tune that the bard Duxus had written about him, it was song aptly titled "Zoss and the beanshaft".
All of sudden he heard the echo of a loud thud from up ahead. He scambled around a large boulder only to see the giant crack in the rock face, with no time to spare he took a deep breath and plunged inside.
He exhaled loudly as he beheld the stone fortress "How in the world am I supposed to destroy something like that?"
He than noticed the three figures lining the parapet atop the portcullis "The three little evil pigs... er Knight's of Cthog!" he gasped.
"Hello stupid Elokian priest!" Tykus yelled "Looks like you're too late fool! You'll never get in here! Moohahhahaha" "Yeah" Tkaudi quipped "and don't even think about coming down any of the chimneys. Varsus is filling all the culdrons with ice water as we speak, lizard boy!"
"We'd love to stay and chat you worthog faced buffoon, but we have a grand feast to prepare in honour of Cthog's divine wisdom in leading us here." Tykus said cackling evily. So with a few more colorful insults, along the lines of dubious parantenge, the evil knight's withdrew to prepare their feast.
Zoss was on the verge of despair, about ready to depart and tell his master he had failed, when a cocky young tough entered the cavern. "Lo' Zoss" he said with a smirk. "Orchist?" he asked, jaw slightly open. "What are ye doing here? You're not supposed to be in this story."
"I told you before, I wish to be a recurring character. I do so enjoy the prestige it brings, and I really like that phrase 'young tough', very Dickens-esque, which reminds me I have to find a way to worm my way into David Copperfield." Orchist examined his nails casually, "Besides, you need me, I'm your deus ex machina." "My what???!!!" Zoss yelled. "You know, deus ex machina, what a writer like you uses when he's too lazy to write a real good ending. In other words I get you off the hook, a little too easily if you ask me."
Zoss snapped at him "No one's asking, just do what you have to and bugger off." "Fine" he sniffed "I just happened to have stumble upon a rare magical artifact, which, of course, would be invaluable to you right about now. Seeing as your a mere peasent priest with no real gold to speak of, I shall give you this artifact in exchange for my continued cameo's in these stories of yours."
"Oh really?" Zoss said a little icily, "and what pray tell would this artifact be?"
Orchist smiled his arrogant smile "Why Quevven's Rod of Teleportation, of course. I'm certain you recall how it can be used." The warlock giggled maniacally and handed the priest the artifact. Than conjuring a globe of darkness, he stepped into it and disappeared.
"Hmmm, I sure hope Grud doesn't find out about this." Zoss looked around nervosuly "could be big trouble for the old Zossman if he did." Taking shelter behind a large stalagmite, he summoned the image of the Red Dragon to mind and pointed the rod to a spot over the fortress rooftop, he spoke the magical ward to activate the rod. In the blink of an eye a sleeping dragon appeared over the roof and than began his rapid descent into it. With an earth moving crash the great wyrm broke through the roof and awoke instantly howling with rage and melting the surrounding stone into pools of molten rock with his fiery breath. Zoss looked on at the spectacle with awe and giggled away like a schoolboy.
All of a sudden three figures appeared almost crashing into him amidst the dust and smoke. "Peace priest" said Tykus "we would have peace with you and your god. Leave us be, and the realms of the underdark to us, and the surface shall remain for all goodly dwelling folk. We have suffered enough for a time."
Zoss smiled "Very well, it is agreed." with a wave of his shaft...er Rod of Teleprtaion, he sent the knights deep into the sewers of Draconia to their evil master. Another wave of the rod and the dragon disappeared too, with a contented smile the priest left the cavern in time to catch the sunset on the ocean. "Ahh Elok" he said "I think there's a moral to be learned here, I'm just not sure what."
To his great surprise Elok answered him. "My son, there are many worlds, and this is but one. I have children far and wide, who know me by many different names, yet the words of one come to me now, his name was P.T Barnum. He said 'If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up, no sense in being a damned fool.'" Elok started to chuckle " Always did like that one, anyway you get the point."
Zoss chuckled along with the Mighty One for a while than asked "So your Greatness...why hasn't someone built a ladder yet?"
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